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To those of us who have children in our lives, whether or not they are our own, our grandchildren, nieces, nephews, step kids or students, here is something to make you chuckle.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing He said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit?We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
God, as our first parent, asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
Subject: Why did they do that? RE: Railroad Tracks
> The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
> 8.5 inches. that is an exceedingly odd umber. Why was that gauge used?
> Because that's the way they built them in England and the U.S. railroads
> were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them that
way?> Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
> pre-railroad tramways and that's the gauge they used.
> Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
> tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
> which used that wheel spacing. So why did the wagons have that particular odd
> spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels
> would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because
> that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted
> roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by
> Imperial I Rome for their legions, the roads have been used ever since. And
> the ruts they feared of destroying their wagon wheels were first formed by
> Roman was chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome,
> they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
> The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches derives from the
> original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
> Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are
> handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may
> be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made
> just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses. Thus we
> have the answer to the original question.
>
> Now the twist to the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it's
> launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main
> fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are
> made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the
> SRB's might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to
> be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line
> from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel
> is slightly wider than the railroad track and the railroad track is about
> as wide a two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is
> arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined
> over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass!!!
> Don't you just love engineering?
Make yourself feel better... do you know these people?
IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and
7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the
pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we
come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that,
since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report
future outages by email.
Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed
the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature
to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by
cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
fun. We should do this more often."
Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself &
for the life of her couldn't understand why her system wouldn't turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department & found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
I KNOW I DO!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to> >> >create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ..what..?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the> >> >length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves
to death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is.............
Lucky Pigs..
"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."
"Here are a list of eleven rules for the game of life that you did not
learn in school. Our feel-good, politically correct teachings have created
a whole generation of kids with no concept of reality and this has set them
up for failure in the real world.."
> RULE #1: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
> RULE #2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.
The world expects you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
> RULE #3: You will NOT make $50,000 a year right out of high
school or college. And, you won't be a vice president with a car
phone until you EARN both.
> RULE #4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have
a boss. And, he doesn't have tenure
> RULE #5: Flipping burgers is NOT beneath your dignity.
Your grandparents had a different word for
burger-flipping.They called it OPPORTUNITY.
> RULE #6: If you mess up, it is NOT your parents' fault.
And, don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.
> RULE #7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning
your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you
are. So, before you save the rain forest from parasites from
your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your
room.> RULE #8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. Some schools have abolished failing
grades,giving you as many chances as you need to get the right
answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to
anything in real life.
> RULE #9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off, and very few employers are interested in "helping
you find yourself". Do that on your own time.
> RULE #10: Television is not real life. In real life, people have
actual jobs that they leave the coffee shop to go to.
> RULE #11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you'll end up working
for one.
> AND, IN ANSWER TO THE ETERNAL QUESTION: "Is it better to be a jock or a
nerd?"
> CONSIDER THIS:
> While playing in the NBA, Michael Jordan made over $300,000 per gavme.
That equals $10,000 a minute if he played an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 per day, working or not.
If he sleeps seven hours a night, he makes $52,000 while visions of sugar
plums dance through his head. If he goes to a movie, he pays $8 like you
and me. But, while he's there, he'll earn $18,550.
>
> If he wants to save up for a $90,000 Jaguar, it will take him 12 whole
hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money in
cash, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 per second. Assuming he
puts 15% of his income into a tax deferred retirement account (401K), he
would hit the annual cap of $9,500 by 8:30 AM on January 1.
>
> Last year, he made more than twice the total incomes of all U.S.
Presidents for all their terms combined.
>
> However, if Jordan saves 100% of this income for the next 250 years, he
will still have LESS money than Bill Gates has RIGHT NOW.
> GAME OVER. NERD WINS.
One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a
flaw in it.Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted even more loudly about his beautiful heart.
Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "It's a very
nice heart indeed, but I don't think it is nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing. The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful? they thought.The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears." "Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar on my heart represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a Piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in mine, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person
hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see why I think mine is more beautiful?" The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart.It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since Love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.
How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart. Remember...Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like nobody is watching.Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart with me.
An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it
correctly.The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is everything
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